Tuesday, September 06, 2005

A Little Confused

Last night Robyn and I were just chatting about stuff but somehow for a brief moment she brought up our Puerto Rico vacation we took six years ago, and then she moved on to another topic. I was still stuck on Puerto Rico. I’m not sure if it was the vacation itself that had me daydreaming or the fact that we were free spirits without kids and virtually zero responsibility, at least not the same kind of responsibility we have now. I felt myself wanting to go back to that time and place to just hang out for a week. No kids, no mortgage and no car payments (we lived in an apartment and had one car that was paid off). I’m sure that I don’t need to say it, but being human and having tremendous guilt I feel the need to say “I love my kids and life, and wouldn’t change anything”, but still I want to go back just to feel that freedom of youth. Is that so bad? Is this the beginning of a mid-life crisis? I hope not, I’m only 34 and can’t deal with this now. I can just see myself down at the dealership trading in the Toyota Camry for some exotic car that I can’t afford, my hairstyle changing to something you see on Mtv (frosted tips or something), or my wardrobe taking on the appearance of something out of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue.

Where in the world did this come from? HELP!

I think I need rest.

8 comments:

Kim Ayres said...

I would guess that with you currenty looking for somewhere else to live, these feelings of responsibility for getting it right are going to be weighing more heavily on your mind.

Having said that, I've had several crises over the past 20 years or so, but now that I'm 38 it falls into the category of "midlife"

Having left school at 16, my crisis in my early to mid 20s led me to return to education and take up philosophy. After turning 30, my next crisis caused me to escape unemployment by setting up my own business (hey, how many jobs are out there for philosophy graduates?). My latest crisis has caused me to sell my business, move to another area and take up a career as a would-be writer.

With the zeal of the convert, I would say embrace your crisis and use the energy to get your life into a place where you would really like it to be.

The fact that you love your wife and kids is clear, but sometimes we can feel that we have to sacrifice our lives in order to provide stability for them.

Through all our changes over the past year or so my wife and I have talked long, hard and often, and one of the things we concluded was that we would be at our happiest if we felt the other was doing something they enjoyed. And, quite crucially, the kids would grow up with a better sense that the world is out there to grab and enjoy if they had their parents setting an example. But if my son was to grow up, seeing me slaving away at a job I didn't enjoy, then what example does that set him?

Maybe this is just jitters about moving, but if it's more than that then I would say to grab it with both hands and run forward into a new and fantastic future for all of you.

Tara Marie said...

LOL!!! Welcome to "The place is here, the time is now, and the journey into the shadows that we're about to watch could be our journey"..............a journey into ADULTHOOD!!!!"Up there, up there in the vastness of space, in a void that is sky..........in the twilight zone!"

Sorry, but your post made me think of Rod Serling and how it could be made into a Twilight Zone episode!

I know what you guys mean about, "Wow, how did I get here" ....but man it is such a great journey and the funny thing is, as the years roll by, and your children get older [we have two in high school] the thoughts of going back to those days of less responsibility seem to come full circle and you realize that in a blink of an eye.....the kids will be all grown and out [living life freely on their own] and before you know it,,,,you have too much time on your hands, no dependants to support and start traveling again [this time to see the grand-kids! lol!]

But we're right there with you on looking back and thing "Wow, how did I get here".

BStrong said...

Kim,
Thanks for trying to put things in perspective. When it comes to crises you seem to have the upper hand:). I guess we are still trying to find our place here, and not knowing what tomorrow will bring makes me a little uneasy, at least at this point in my life. I use to have a care free attitude, but having kids has given me a different approach to life especially having a child with DS. The problem is that I don’t know what that approach is.

Tara,
My life could be made into a sitcom. I understand what you are saying and I suppose many of us look forward to that day when our kids are grown up and take on the world. At the same time though I don't want them to grow up. I want them to be by my side always. Life can be so confusing:(
B

Mauzy said...

ditto. We call it BN or Before Nash. I blogged that topic too, so we have similarities! I think it is so "typical" (eek hate that word) to feel this, as who would really choose debt, responsibility and cleaning poopy diapers over a care-free, beer drinking, fun-only filled life?

Beckie said...

Nahhhh, don't worry. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just the realities of life hitting you in the back of the head for a moment. I do the same thing. Occasionally I remember those days of actually remembering details for more than 5 minutes at a time, times when I could get something accomplished without being interrupted 20 times, times when my husband and I could discuss any issue whenever we wanted without fear of being overheard by little ears, times when no one knew I was home all day and therefore available to help them with their projects, times when I could run to the store at any given time and not have to report my plans to at least 3 other people and make sure everyone is taken care of. Like you said, I love my children dearly, but occasionally I daydream about quieter times. I have a little guy with Down Syndrome, who is a special joy to us, and he may always be 'with' us. But I know that he adds so much to our life and we wouldn't have it any different.

There's nothing wrong with remembering! A little nostalgia never hurt anyone...

BStrong said...

Yeehaaa! I'm not going insane.

Thanks Beckie and Mauzy.

B

Naomi said...

We're actually going to take that step back in time (sort of). Come Thanksgiving week my mum, brother & sister will be flying in to look after the boys. We'll be heading off for a week in Mexico - lazing by the pool, lying in bed past 6am, going out to eat, no diapers to change, bliss!

BStrong said...

Naomi, that sounds fantastic. Just remember that your kids will be in good hands and when you have that motherly instinct to worry about back home, toss it out and go do something fun. If the family needs you for anything they will call.
Wow, I'm envious.
B