As I was cleaning up my hard drive on my computer this morning I came across something I wrote; my feelings put into words when I came home from the hospital after Little Peanut was delivered. Little Peanut is 15 months now.
When ever I saw a child with a serious disability I always thanked god for blessing my family with healthy children. When Little Peanut was born and we found out that she had down syndrome I went through the typical emotions;anger, denial, and guilt. How could something like this happen to my family. I went to sleep that night afraid of what tomorrow would bring.
I woke up early the next morning and found that I had a dilemma on my hands, so I thought. If I always thanked god for giving us healthy children, what should I do now. I thought about it for a moment, then stood up in bed, looked towards the heavens and said... Thank you.
See, although it has been not even a full day since Little Peanut was born, I can already feel the joy that she will bring to our lives. Yes, we will have our ups and downs, but over all we will look forward to our lives with Little Peanut. I can already feel the strength she has given us. Because of her, I will be a better husband, father, son, brother and friend. I know that I am the one that is supposed to teach her how to live, but she has taught me so much already. My only regret that I have is how I initially felt when she was born. I hope she forgives me.
What I have found incredible about what I said above is that I can remember word for word what I wrote that night. In fact, when I emailed Barbara I'm pretty sure that I mentioned some of these feeling as written above.
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2 comments:
Dan,
That is a moving story. That little girl is so fortunate to have you as a father.
Wow that was pretty powerful to read - all those thoughts and emotions you had. I can really relate tot he feelings of guilt too! We didn't know for sure Kayla had Ds until she was born and then I knew as soon as I saw her face. We knew there was a possibility but declined the amnio.
I remember when I first realized it I felt completely detached like it wasn't me and this couldn't possibly be my daughter. I feel so guilty about not forming a bond with her within seconds of her birth and not being overly joyous at having just given birth to my first born. I'm slowly letting go of that guilt, but it is hard!
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